A wise teacher once asked me, “What if your being born is  a vacation from some other existence, why would you choose to come here?” I am reminded of this when I heard that my husband’s grandmother as she lay dying, said that she was going on vacation. The metaphor of life as vacation or death as vacation projects a different outlook as to how we view life and death. For me this perspective says, we are only passing through, we are here to explore what life is like on this plane, then we are off again to some other destination. When we think of life as vacation, we value our time here. We chose it because we want the experience and sometimes it isn’t all we expected it to be. There are some highlights that we enjoyed, some challenges and some things we won’t bother doing next time if we were to come back.

Live like you are on vacation
Choose what to do, relax
Be your own tour guide
Take in the sights
Enjoy the food
Learn from the natives
Be mindful of the flora and fauna
Leave it a better place for the next visitor

Be grateful for your visit
Yes the time flew by
You did everything well enough
The experiences you had savor them all
Lessons learned and those resisted
Explore what you missed next time around
Bring wisdom gleaned elsewhere
Just passing through…

Dedicated to Grandma Hilda Lynch. Rest in peace. Have a fabulous vacation!

I have been away on vacation and happy to be home again. Home is a state of mind as much as it is the physical space we live in. Wherever I am, I try to create a home away from home, where I am at ease and comfortable with the space which l shall call home for whatever length of time. What I have noticed though, is that it is more of a feeling sense that has nothing to do with where I am.  I saw a film at the art gallery by the artist Fiona Tan called, A Lapse Of Memory. It portrays an elderly man living in a home in a manner totally incongruent to his surroundings. The images set in motion a contemplation on the nature of reality, how we represent ourselves and how others interpret what they think we are about.

Henry lives like a solitary vagrant, sleeping on the floor dressed in rags. He is unattached to his surroundings, an abandoned palace full of art and furnishings of an opulent period in oriental decor, maybe eighteenth century China and Japan. His  morning rituals of tai chi and  a tea ceremony, speak of earlier life experiences in which he has encountered Asian culture. The narrator constructs two possible life stories that Henry may have lived which brought him to his present circumstances.

The artist portrays on film, what we do in our minds when we meet people we do not know. The film also stirs our imagination of what life can look like when we have no stories to hold on to, no continuity of a personality as in the case of a lapse in memory. On the wall outside the presentation, it reads, “Henry is waiting for a story he can make his home.” Aren’t we like that? We move from one job to another, one town to another, one relationship to another, looking for a place to call home? We create a personal narrative that makes us feel more like we belong, more like who we are deep inside. We are looking for home, through finding a place, a lifestyle that feels like home. We even do it for other people.  We may come to some conclusion about the people we meet,  from their outer appearances and how they live. We look for the similarities, are they like us? We feel comfortable with people more like ourselves. We are always waiting to come home.

And what about Henry? Maybe he is not experiencing a lapse in memory. Perhaps he chooses to live like he does because he is more comfortable that way, than living the story that his surroundings suggest. Maybe he is aware of his surroundings and still lives as he does, drawing sustenance from his spiritual morning rituals, his simple mealtimes, his solitary existence. Maybe it is more real to him than the previous stories he lived.

“Henry is waiting for a story he can make his home.” These words are the timeless lament of the spiritual seeker until she realizes that home is a state of mind. No matter how many stories we invent for ourselves in this life, until we find that sense of being at home and at ease in ourselves, we will have that sense of waiting. Waiting for something to happen on the outside that will sweep us off our feet and bring us home. The old adage, “Home is where the heart is,” is good spiritual advice. No more would we be waiting, no more looking for a story from our surroundings in which we find our true home, for that can only be found on the journey of looking within.

image credit: Associated Press

Lone spindly trees in a denuded forest painting a blue sky
Honking geese flying south
Trout swimming free from the fisherman’s hook
A wounded animal escaping to the forest
A squealing toddler running against the wind
Strong voices singing a kindred women song
A contented gurgle from a starving child’s belly
Breaking through suffering a bitter-sweet moment
Awake!

Round and round we go
Spiraling through space
In a galaxy held in loving embrace
The central core is who we are
Moving outward no trace of separate self
A motley crew we dream
Kaleidoscopic scenes merging
Dancing to the stillness in movement
Alive!

We can remove that scar you know
No thanks doc
This scar is my teacher
Once I lost my voice
Now this scar reminds me
Speak up!

And what about my inner scars, doc
Can you remove those?
We may pretend they are gone
Yet every scar of time
Makes us who we are today
Weaves the story of our journey

Ashamed of a visible scar
We remove it from the body
An inner scar remains
Like a phantom limb
We no longer see it
Still pain lingers on

Life cuts through the superficial
To the depths of  beingness
Nurture its wounds as they heal
Our teachers that bear witness
Honor and cherish them all
Learn from the scars of time

In my work as a health practitioner, I often counsel people on healing themselves using a combined body, mind, spirit modality. These three aspects of ourselves are inseparable. Healing can occur by making inroads through any aspect of our being, but for true transformation, the body, mind and spirit has to be considered as one unit. The mind drives the energy of our spirit to manifest the thoughts we focus on, resulting in experiences that leave impressions or memories which we carry in our bodies. This is why during bodywork, emotions can arise that we may not connect with. When the body relaxes, these locked-in emotions are set free.  So you would think that if we have lots of bodywork done we would eventually be free.  Not so.  We also have to address the mind, look at our beliefs and ingrained patterns of thought from which we create our reality.

Impressions and memories from learned behavior are stored in the more superficial layers of our bodies, while even more unconscious belief patterns come from a deeper cellular ancestral encoding. When difficult memories show up, we feel tension in our bodies. When pleasing memories show up we feel relaxed. I learned about this theory, not only in my studies of different healing modalities which include a psychological outlook, but also from studying yoga philosophy. The ancients spoke about how the actions we perform create karmic impressions of joy or  suffering, which generate further actions. When we die, these impressions follow us into other lifetimes. This I interpret to be genetic encoding.

So how do we make change, how do we break the patterns of unwanted behavior? Mindful awareness is the first step. When we can step back and recognize that we are creating the outcome we do not want, that is already a big step in the direction of change. The next step is acceptance for what is. To tell ourselves that we are doing the best we can for what we know right now. With this step, we have to have compassion for ourselves. I am often asked, “How do you do that?” Well it is not something you do, but allow it to happen. Compassion is innate. We walk away from compassion every time we beat up on ourselves.

My husband’s aunt’s favorite story to tell about him is when he was two years old and knew how to comfort his younger cousin. One day when she could not be consoled by her mother, Edward picked off bits of fluff from his blanket, rolled it into a little ball and placed it in her little hand. She stopped crying immediately. This story speaks to me of the innate power of compassion. We are not taught this. We see someone hurting, it is natural to want to help them and we can come up with creative ways to do so. When we are not holding back due to emotional blockages, the heart of compassion is available. Like a parent’s innate caring for a child or dogs acting to harmonize the behavior of the members of the pack.

The other step in the healing process is acting as if we are already whole. Some spiritual teachings give us the impression that this is elusive, it takes a long time after much practice of prayers, mantras and other rituals. This may be so, but I believe that we can get glimpses of wholeness and we can choose to shift our focus to this experience when our minds tell us otherwise.

The Self that we really are, is described in the eastern scriptures as of the nature of Truth, Auspiciousness and Beauty. We can focus on the Self by bringing these qualities to mind. One of the easiest ways to do this is to meditate on beauty. Many of us do this naturally by daydreaming. Recalling a beautiful nature scene, real or imagined, engaging the senses: Listen to the chirping of the birds, feel the warmth of the sun, smell the fragrance of the flowers. In some spiritual traditions, this practice is done by visualizing a deity and feeling the qualities assigned to that deity, becoming one with it. In such practices we imagine beauty in our minds and feel it in our bodies. This bring us in the presence of spirit, the Self that manifests as us and all things. This feels like peace and bliss, rejuvenating the body with deep relaxation.

When unwanted emotions arise, I choose not to indulge in them. I consciously begin to relax my body by becoming aware of my breathing. This relaxation allows the tension brought on by unhappy memories to dissolve and to take away the edgy feeling from the memory.  I hold the emotion in my awareness with compassion. It is not the truth, it is the play of consciousness itself. By sending loving energy to these impressions, they soon transform into the truth of our reality, which is of auspiciousness and beauty. The more we do this, the more we begin to feel gratitude for our lives. There is an acceptance for all aspects that show up in ourselves and others. It is then easier to be compassionate and forgiving.

Healing the planet starts with us. When we can tolerate our own humanness, we can forgive it in others. We are less encumbered by old patterns of reacting to our experiences. We see our old hurts and say, “I am sorry,” breaking the cycle of pain and suffering. We begin to train our minds to choose truth, auspiciousness and beauty. As we begin to master the unity of body, mind and spirit, we are acting as if wholeness is already our reality, which it paradoxically is.

Life is a stage
We can see where we are
The wise one points to the devastation
See the fishes and birds gasping in toxic goo
Helpless angry humans watch
All a sacrifice to the god of greed

And so it is
The trickster moves his pawn
A hundred thousand times over and again
We have been here before
No winners or losers
The play goes on
A dance of light and shadow
Our inner angels and demons
We embrace it all

To reject any part is to experience separation
For the web of life is inter-connected
If one thread comes loose
The integrity of all is vulnerable
Acceptance for the suffering we unleash
In this story of ignorance and wisdom
We work together to rewrite yet another draft

In a magazine cartoon, a child asks, “Are we there yet?” The mother in a caravan with her camel piled high, turns to her child and  replies, “For crying out loud, we are nomads.” On the spiritual healing journey, we are like nomads, no destination, no place to land, just being with what ever happens along the way on the journey of life. And like the proverbial child in the back seat, many of us are irritable with the loss of security of “home” and keep wondering when are we ever going to get “there.”

In the East, “there,” has been defined as nirvana, where we are established in a state of joyous peace and happiness. In other words a final goal on the spiritual path to freedom. I firmly believe that this teaching can be misinterpreted by those who are already inclined to abuse themselves for not being good enough. For those with a penchant for perfectionism, this is the ultimate, and all else fails in comparison.

A seeker who keeps her focus on a destination of nirvana is doomed to feel that she needs to try harder, and the harder she tries, the more effort put forth, the further away she walks from the goal which is always present in every moment. This is the paradox of the spiritual journey. It is not a journey of finding what you haven’t got but of remembering and discovering what is already there.

Everything we do in life is geared towards this searching for nirvana, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. At the core of all of our desires and aspirations is the need to feel joy and peace. In modern society we have created endless convoluted ways to get to that goal and like the conscious spiritual seeker we can become ever further removed from the goal because we think it is out there somewhere and if we try hard enough, we will attain that joy and peace.

When we come to know that the peace and joy we are seeking is inherent in this very moment, we will be content. We begin to accept that pain is evident in the very nature of reality, caused by the ever changing phenomena of physicality. We cease to create sorrow for ourselves and others by letting go of greed, hatred and delusion. We choose to let go of suffering and are released from the hold of its power over us. Then there is no effort to attain anything, but instead a letting go into what is. This moment to moment letting go, every time we choose peace and joy over suffering, is the path and the destination. In these ordinary moments of awareness, resting in the compassionate embrace of loving-kindness in the heart, is the goal of the spiritual healing journey, the true nirvana. The sage Shunryu Suzuki says, “When you realize the fact that everything changes and find your composure in it, there you find yourself in nirvana.”

Even if  nirvana is a transcendent realm, the goal of all earnest seekers, we can still enjoy everyday nirvana right here and now by mindfulness of our attitude to ourselves and others, letting go of suffering and the causes of suffering. With each experience of letting go into the challenges and disappointments that come with the journey of life, we are uncovering the bliss of nirvana that rests deep within the heart. Nirvana is available to us in this moment. Why not stop trying to get there and be here now. Then we won’t be annoying ourselves or our spiritual brothers and sisters with the question, “Are we there yet?”

Connect the dots
Find the hidden creatures in the forest
A child’s curiosity engaged
Wide eyed excitement
In sequence the dots connect
Revealing one form after another
What wonder

When dots are overlooked
Strange blobs emerge
The child retraces her steps
Finds the missing  dots
With delight, lost dots
Reconnect to the whole
Completing the picture

In this journey of life
All dots matter
Some we have to sit with
Witness their pain
Sidestep the tyranny of apathy
Connect to the love, the Source
See beauty unfold

Image credit: Alicepopkorn

Consider this: You belong to a family of noble kings. The kingdom is vast and wealthy. Every native is happy and  healthy. The ruling family is revered for their wisdom and goodwill to all. The kingdom has known only peace and prosperity. Then one day, you, the king, decide to go on an adventure to learn new things, to have fresh experiences. You embark on a journey to a foreign land. But before you go, you ask the great magician of the court to cast a spell upon you, so that you forget who you really are, your true heritage. Forgetting who you are, you roam around the neighboring country,  fraught with pain and suffering, where almost every citizen belongs to a family of struggling beggars. You too, soon begin to adopt this attitude of a beggar filled with strife, and feeling the depths of your unworthiness as you struggle and complain: woe is me!

The wisdom teachings of all cultures tell us this is the reality of our own dilemma. We have forgotten our true heritage as we journey through our lives. Robert Frost asks:

What if it should turn out eternity
Was but the steeple on our house of life
That made our house of life a house of worship?
We do not go up there to sleep at night.
We do not go up there to live by day.
Nor need we ever go up there to live.
A spire and belfry coming on the roof
Means that a soul is coming on the flesh.

As we live our day to day life, we live in a state of  forgetfulness of our divine nature, in order to participate in the drama that this life affords; the joy and the sadness of desire and fulfillment. In the much loved children’s  book, The Wind in the Willows, when Rat and Mole go looking for the lost baby otter, they come upon the nature god, Pan who delivers the lost animal to them. The two companions have a transcendental experience as they approach the place where Pan and the baby otter were: ....Then suddenly the Mole felt a great Awe fall upon him, an awe that turned his muscles to water, bowed his head, and rooted his feet to the ground. It was no panic terror—indeed he felt wonderfully at peace and happy—but it was an awe that smote and held him and, without seeing, he knew it could only mean that some august Presence was very, very near…Perhaps he would never have dared to raise his eyes, but that, though the piping was now hushed, the call and the summons seemed still dominant and imperious. He might not refuse, were Death himself waiting to strike him instantly, once he had looked with mortal eye on things rightly kept hidden. Trembling he obeyed, and raised his humble head; and then…while Nature, flushed with fullness of incredible color, seemed to hold her breath for the event, he looked in the very eyes of the Friend and Helper…Then the two animals, crouching to the earth, bowed their heads and did worship… Sudden and magnificent, the sun’s broad golden disc showed itself over the horizon facing them; and the first rays, shooting across the level water-meadows, took the animals full in the eyes and dazzled them. When they were able to look once more, the Vision had vanished…As they stared blankly, in dumb misery deepening as they slowly realized all they had seen and all thy had lost, a capricious little breeze, dancing up from the surface of the water… and with its soft touch came instant oblivion. For this is the last best gift that the kindly demigod is careful to bestow on those to whom he has revealed himself in their helping: the gift of forgetfulness. Lest the awful remembrance should remain and grow, and overshadow mirth and pleasure, and the great haunting memory should spoil all the after-lives of little animals helped out of difficulties, in order that they should be happy and light-hearted as before.

In a similar story from Hindu mythology, one day the mischievous baby Krishna had again stolen some curds and blamed it on his brother. He dared his mother to look into his mouth to see that he was telling the truth. What she saw when she looked into his mouth astounded her. She saw…the entire universe. Moving objects and immovable things. She saw the heavens and the eight quarters:the mountains and islands and all the seven oceans which surrounded the earth…she saw the gods who presided over the senses… She saw the mind…she saw the birth of the universe…she saw herself looking inside the open mouth of her little son… Krishna’s mother, Yashoda, was bewildered. She saw the truth of her own divinity and the play of illusion, that creates the sense of separation. When Krishna saw the state his mother was in, he gave her the gift of forgetfulness, her experience was like a dream which is entirely forgotten.

This poem by Hafiz says it well:

It
Was all
So clear this morning.

My mind and heart had never felt
More convinced:

There is only God,
A Great Wild
God.

But somehow I got yanked from
That annihilating
Realization

And can now appear again
As this wine-stained
Talking

Rag.

From The Gift:Poems by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky

So forgetfulness is a blessing and a scourge. As Hafiz says, the experience of God Realization is annihilating, it was somehow yanked from him so he can function in the world. Once we have had a glimpse of  divinity we can begin to experience a loneliness in our lives that I wrote about in an earlier post, It Can Get Lonely. The secret of life  the wise ones teach, is to live in the world and not of it. To live in alignment with our divine heritage knowing that living in this finite physical form is, by its nature full of pain and its causes, but suffering is an option.