From the monthly archives:
Check out the September Pain-blog carnival at How To Cope With Pain Blog.
My post Each Day A New Beginning is featured there. Check out the other well written posts on the subject of New Beginnings: New treatments, new outlooks, doing things differently and new learnings. A good way to start the new season of Fall!
{ 0 comments }
This is the third in a series of posts on letting go, and in the previous post we looked at the issue of control and how in a lot of cases it is actually counterproductive to exercise control. In some instances, control is absolutely necessary, for example traffic regulations and building safety codes. We must have some standard so that everyone is in agreement to a code of conduct to have some measure of safety. Control in these cases is logical and beneficial. Let us look deeper into the root cause as to why so many of us are control freaks whether we are conscious of it or not.
I know people who think that their way of doing things is the best way, the right way and everybody should comply to their wishes that things be done like they do them. Do you know people who insist that family members squeeze the toothpaste tube the right way? 
) Do you know people who, after you have folded the laundry, come along and fold them better? ) These are just a couple of harmless examples of people having control issues. We call them quirks, so they seem cute rather than controlling.
I like watching how people queue at the bus-stop in different communities. At the bus-stops downtown that go to the communities that are mostly upper middle class, the queues are neat and in single-file formation, and men and women are clad in their proper suits, carrying briefcases. At the bus-stops that go to the communities on the east-side, there are no signs of queues and yet entering and exiting the buses happens smoothly for both. We all get there, whether we control how it is done or not. It’s no big deal, we don’t have to insist that things be a particular way. We can be a lot more relaxed and gentle with ourselves.
On the other hand, there are situations where, if we do not adhere to the controls of regulations, it can be a hair-raising experience for all concerned. Have you ever traveled to places where nobody pays attention to traffic rules like in India? Being in traffic on a typical highway in India is as if you were playing a game of Russian roulette. I remember riding in those little tin-can vehicles they call auto rickshaws, that ply the highway between the train station and the little rural village where I lived for some time in India. Whenever I had to make the trip to the city of Mumbai, it was a major lesson in letting go for me. I often wondered at the colorful decorations of the taxis and trucks, dressed with flower garlands, red sacred powder and the pictures of Hindu deities. Maybe these adornments are to supplicate the gods, to ask for protection from the drivers who are out of control. Hanging on for dear life as your driver deftly weaves in and out of traffic, avoiding one of these colorful, garlanded, swaying trucks as they come careening towards you, is an exercise in letting go and trust. Only by the grace of the guardian angels do we survive in those places. So even in that situation, we have to let go and trust in fate, as we have no control of how others choose to behave.
Choosing to let go, in situations where we have no control anyway and especially when we do not have to be so controlled ourselves, allows for a lightness of being. When we are light, we do not succumb to fear as easily and we are not held prisoners of the negative thoughts of our over imaginative minds.
{ 0 comments }
In my last post I talked about the illusion of control and its effects on our well-being and how letting go is the antidote. I mentioned that controlling our thoughts is effective to keep our minds at ease, and not succumb to fear and worry over the outcome of our endeavors. You may wonder, “Isn’t that also control?” And yes you are right. So controlling the mind and controlling thoughts is a manner of speaking. How you actually go about this practice is the opposite of control.
The practice of mindfulness, noticing our thoughts, noticing the inner critic and its ongoing commentary of our progress, is a skillful means of dealing with the mind. Whether we are sitting in formal posture for meditation or just noticing our thoughts as we engage in our daily activities, the way we choose to handle our hyper-active thinking is important. Telling yourself not to think those unwanted thoughts is like telling yourself not to think of a monkey, and guess what? It is all you can think of. Trying to stop the flow of thoughts is useless because it is the nature of thoughts to keep flowing. You only end up getting frustrated and beat yourself up for not succeeding.
The more we try to control thoughts by stopping them in their natural flow, the more we invite negative self- judgment and criticism because we are attempting the impossible. We escalate blaming and degrading our already insecure persona and encourage more feelings of lack of confidence and impotence. Getting caught in this downward spiral is the path to disaster. We may unconsciously undermine and sabotage our best intentions for success through our feelings of unworthiness. So the more we try to control things, the more ineffective we become.
Watching thoughts as they come up, naming them: anger, worry, fear etc., and witnessing them, not engaging in the web that they weave, allows them to move on. We are letting go. When we engage in some scenario that the mind throws up, we are caught and that is exactly where our ego wants us, trapped in fear, worry and its counterparts, self-loathing and unworthiness. As we practice witnessing our thoughts, we see how our thoughts can create our reality and we can choose not to go there. Witnessing thoughts helps us to detach from the lies the ego tells us which we believe to be the truth about ourselves. We simply watch and let go. In time, because there is no charge for the ego, no investment in hanging on to degrading thoughts, it just lets go. The mind then is free, and the truth of who we are is unveiled. With clarity, we can then access our highest potential, our birthright, just by the practice of letting go. This is a life-time practice, because it is the nature of the ego to hang in there. We just have to keep at it, keep letting go.
{ 2 comments }
I have been following a couple of blogs on the subject of “Control” and you too might be interested in checking them out. Tom Stein’s article, “No Control” initiated a heated discussion on whether we do have control over our lives, and over at Golden Zen, Harmony the author has started a series on the subject, engaging her audience to participate in, “The Art of Being in My Own Business.” Very interesting stuff, I encourage you to pay a visit and watch the wheels spin in your own mind, around this topic.
So guess what, today I am going to talk about control and its dichotomy, letting go. But first here is a joke from Groucho Marx, “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” You may laugh, but it’s true for a lot of people. It seems easier to allow other people to make decisions for us, so we don’t have to take responsibility for the fallout if there is any. Then when we are not happy with our lives, we can blame it on others. Ultimately we may not have full control of our lives but we can control the process of choosing. When we take control of making choices there is a feeling of freedom that we are in charge of ourselves.
The illusion of control is a source of distress for a lot of us. We think that if we do everything right then our lives will turn out how we intend it. But there are so many variables beyond our conscious control and trying to control everyone and everything in the environment is impossible and only keeps us in a constant state of stress and hyper-vigilance. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control our attitude towards what happens to us. An attitude of openness makes space to allow life to unfold as it will. After we have done everything we could, to the best of our ability under the given circumstances, then there is nothing to do but to let go and surrender. Then we can accept whatever happens as the will of the universe, maybe there are unforeseen reasons as to why the outcome of our best made plans are what they are.
We may not have control of our destiny but we can control our thoughts, so that our minds do not run away into fear and worry about that which we have no control anyway. To live in ease and harmony, one must choose to let go and trust that the highest good for all is going to unfold without trying to control how it is going to happen. We can live in the moment, enjoying the process of our endeavors and not miss out on the view by hurrying to our destination, living in worry about the outcome.
{ 2 comments }
Here is a poem by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky from his collection, The Gift
A Root In Each Act And Creature
The sun’s eyes are painting fields again.
Its lashes with expert strokes
Are sweeping across the land.
A great palette of light has embraced
This earth.
Hafiz, if just a little clay and water
Mixed in His bowl
Can yield such exquisite scents, sights,
Music—and whirling forms—
What unspeakable wonders must await with
The commencement of unfolding
Of the infinite numbers of petals
That are the
Soul.
What excitement will renew your body
When we all begin to see
That His heart resides in
Everything?
God has a root in each act and creature
That He draws His mysterious
Divine life from.
His eyes are painting fields again.
The Beloved with His own hands is tending,
Raising like a precious child,
Himself in
You.
I love this poem, it reminds us that everything is sacred and already whole. It is our lack of discernment that is at the root of all of our hatred and strife, that allows us to continue to inflict pain upon each other and ourselves. In the spiritual healing journey we are awakening to the truth, and like Hafiz said:
What excitement will renew your body
When we all begin to see
That His heart resides in
Everything?
With this perspective, we are grateful, we honor the strength and beauty in all, and we walk in dignity and respect for ourselves and all creation. We co-exist with nature in peace and harmony.
{ 0 comments }
Sometimes it is difficult to accept that everything in our experience is there for a reason; that it is there for our benefit, for us to contemplate. Everybody and everything you would rather not have to deal with, is in your world to help you to get to “yes, this too!”
Walking the spiritual path is to accept the world as it is without preferences for how things should be. The Zen master Sosan said, “Rather than focus on knowing the truth simply cease to be seduced by your opinions. If there is even an inkling of right or wrong the enlightened mind ceases to be.”
Our physical reality brings to consciousness what is unconscious in us. On a mass level, we would rather close our eyes to the state of the world situation and deny that there is a connection between the world out there and who we are and how we relate to ourselves and to each other.When we examine the issues we see out there, we soon realize that the root cause of our troubled world begins with the loss of values on a personal level. We are each responsible to ourselves and to each other for our general well-being. Our first instinct when we are not happy is to blame something outside of ourselves as the cause.
When we are unable to see for ourselves what is in need of healing, our world shows us, in situation after situation, until we get it. Sometimes we have to be hit over the head a few times, and the world is always reflecting back to us what we need to pay attention to in ourselves. For me, the issue of setting boundaries is one of my weaknesses. I kept being thrown into situations where I would allow people to not respect my time and generosity. I ended up feeling resentful, and for a while I kept saying “no” to everyone’s requests. This did not work because I still did not understand the core issue which was: Do I respect my own time and generosity? If I do, then I can find the balance between giving to myself and giving to others.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned from one of my wise teachers, is to use every difficulty as a gift. When someone has just pushed your buttons, you can say thank you, then work with that place of hurt that was brought up to be healed in you. Maybe you need to work with loving kindness for yourself and your hurt ego. You cannot control how the world treats you but you can control how you relate to yourself and the world. When we can accept that the issues are about us, then we can do something about them and by taking responsibility we are in the driver’s seat to create healthy relationships.
{ 0 comments }
I was at a social gathering recently, and listened in on a conversation amongst members of an ethnic family. The elder grandmother was commenting on her grandson’s weight gain and went on to criticize the clothes he was wearing. The young man took it all humorously, admitting that he was a little corpulent around the middle and was working on getting into shape again. The tone of the conversation was all in a matter of fact manner, not meaning to sound insulting, and the young man appeared not to be affected by the remarks. I have learned that this way of openly discussing people’s appearances is a cultural habit and not meant to be malicious. I have heard elders openly telling young people that they are too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, not well dressed enough etc. How different from our restrained western standards of social conduct!
In a society where this kind of display of another person’s perceived shortcomings is acceptable, one definitely needs to learn how to go beyond praise and blame. Satchel Paiqe said, “Not to be cheered by praise, not to be grieved by blame, but to know thoroughly one’s own virtues or powers are the characteristics of an excellent man.” Not to be cheered by praise and not to be grieved by blame is the mark of a soul who has gone beyond ego identification. Our ego defines who we are when we are not identifying with our true self. If we are praised, our ego gets bolstered, if we are blamed our ego plummets. We continuously move between the poles of praise and blame and are buffeted in the storms of our preferences.
I have learned that to go beyond praise and blame, witness consciousness is the ticket. If I feel happy when I am being praised, I accept the praise and witness how I am reacting. I acknowledge my happiness and yet I am aware that being praised does not change the innate joy that I feel. It does not add to it, it’s a pleasant momentary experience. When I am being blamed, although my first reaction is to defend myself, I work at accepting blame too. I find it is easier to let go of blame when I focus on breathing deeply and make space, separating my bruised ego from the witness. Then I witness that my innate joy is not diminished by blame but that my ego is taking a beating. I recognize that it is my ego that is hurting and not the truth that I am.
Getting to this understanding of the nature of praise and blame is real progress on the spiritual healing journey. We can stand firm in the ground of our own being, honoring ourselves, connecting to our own joy within and not be a pawn in the game of praise and blame.
{ 2 comments }
I was in the city this last weekend and I got plenty of opportunity to practice what I talk about. I take public transportation to get around the city and as always, being on the bus, watching people is grist for the mill. I watched a woman sitting opposite me, her head bobbed from side to side looking furtively out the window, her fingers drumming on her purse. I was feeling anxious as I watched her. Normally I would notice my anxiety and say to myself, oh well, I’m so sensitive. I decided to do something about it as it was getting uncomfortable to be so close to that energy. I could have gotten up and found another seat, but why let a chance to explore consciousness go by? Here it was right in front of me, I didn’t have to pay to take a workshop to practice setting boundaries.
The practice I chose to unhook myself was one in which I witnessed myself in the situation. Witnessing allowed me to get some detachment and to extricate myself from the web of anxious energy I got pulled into.
Here is how I unhooked myself:
It was a fun experiment in witness consciousness that worked, and allowed me to continue to enjoy the rest of the ride in spite of sitting so close to my anxious fellow passenger on the bus.
{ 2 comments }
You can read this amazing story here, of a man who in his childhood lived on the edge of survival through many challenges and in his perseverance encountered a miracle that changed his life. This story has a happy ending, a testimonial to the indomitable human spirit and the forces of life that participate in our human drama to enable our highest potential.
This story reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Goethe, “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” Many of us when we find ourselves in less than optimal situations, feel the pull of the gravity of our circumstances and tend to get drawn into the downward spiral of our dismal outlook. I like to think that each one of us, no matter how challenging our lot in life, have also been given the code that will release us from the undesirable fate. It’s as if some people are given a mission, sent into the world with the scantiest of outer resources and are being asked by the universe to make a treasure of it, to show off to the world, the enduring strength, courage and ingenuity of the human spirit.
I often like to ponder the part of the quote, “…Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” We each have that spark of light within, which if we choose to harness it, can turn into a blazing inferno of passion to fuel the manifestation of our greatest dreams. If we are bold enough to take up the challenge, the universe sets into motion all kinds of unforeseen events to make miracles happen to support us in our endeavors. Synchronicity is the medium through which the universe provides the means. In order to take advantage of these events, we have to be alert and present. Many of us are too caught up in our mental fog, rehashing in our minds, the petty thoughts and self diminishing judgments that prevent us from seeing the opportunities and possibilities. We invite disaster if we choose to weaken our determination by dwelling on our negative thoughts and fear.
Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.” For many of us it is difficult to imagine our lives without the drama which we blame for the reason as to why we are not happy, rich, fulfilled etc. The feeling of freedom that we experience as the result of focusing on our creative potential, is the path and the goal. Being in “the zone” is to experience our inner Light. The outer accomplishments are not what we are really seeking, they are symbols for our real goal which is to experience our inner light. We tap into our own light when we draw upon our inner resources to manifest our dreams. Our spirits are uplifted when we connect to this inner light which is our birthright and we ride on the highs of this energy and want to share its beauty and majesty with others. That is our purpose in this life, to uplift ourselves and to inspire others. That is our true destiny. The path to that destiny can be littered with obstacle courses and dragons to slay, some by our own creation, just to make it a more adventurous journey. What a play!
{ 2 comments }
This is the first post by the mostly silent partner of this blog, Edward.
Recently I was discussing spirituality with some friends. One of them recently became a Christian. She had a profound experience when she was baptized that transformed her life. She stayed with the church, not because she believes everything they teach, but because it was there that she had that transformative experience. Our discussion was about how people of all faiths can have that experience of transformation. My friend described her experience in this way, “it felt like it was the first time in my life that I let love in.” It was interesting that she said, “…I let love in…” rather than stating that she found love. I believe love is always present and it is a matter of us recognizing it and more importantly, letting it in. For so many of us, that is the difficult part. We don’t allow ourselves to be loved, either by those who are closest to us, or by that mysterious divine force.
The Inner Smile meditation is often taught as a stress management technique or for physical healing. However, with modification, it can also be a valuable method of getting in touch with the love that surrounds us all the time. As with all meditation techniques, it is important to keep practicing. In the beginning it may be a challenging meditation for those who have difficulty with letting love in.
The Inner Smile Meditation
Close your eyes and imagine that someone you love is sitting in front of you, smiling at you. It should be a person whose love, or at least genuine affection, you can easily feel. As they are sitting there, smiling at you, think of another person, and imagine them sitting there, smiling at you. Continue adding people until everyone you know, whose friendship or love you can feel, is sitting in front of you, smiling with genuine warmth. Feel their warmth, friendship, and love. If you are a religious person, you can also add spiritual figures, whose love you feel or believe in. If you believe in God, of course include God. If it feels right, you can even add hosts of angels or bodhisattvas or any celestial beings that have meaning for you.
Now, just bask in the warmth of all of those smiles. Really feel all of that love pouring toward you, and begin to reflect it back. Feel yourself smiling with all of that friendliness and love. Then just allow your awareness to flow through your body, smiling at every part of your body. Keep smiling until you can feel the cells in your body dancing alive. Any time you lose the feeling, bring back all of those faces, smiling at you, and feel their warmth. Then you can continue to smile into your own being. When you feel complete, let the image fade and notice how you are feeling for a short while. Then slowly open your eyes and move gently into your daily activities.
{ 3 comments }
