Beyond Praise And Blame

Photo credit: Anlex Basilio

I was at a social gathering recently, and listened in on a conversation amongst members of an ethnic family. The elder grandmother was commenting on her grandson’s weight gain and went on to criticize the clothes he was wearing. The young man took it all humorously, admitting that he was a little corpulent around the middle and was working on getting into shape again. The tone of the conversation was all in a matter of fact manner, not meaning to sound insulting, and the young man appeared not to be affected by the remarks. I have learned that this way of openly discussing people’s appearances is a cultural habit and not meant to be malicious. I have heard elders openly telling young people that they are too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, not well dressed enough etc. How different from our restrained western standards of social conduct!

In a society where this kind of display of another person’s perceived shortcomings is acceptable, one definitely needs to learn how to go beyond praise and blame. Satchel Paiqe said, “Not to be cheered by praise, not to be grieved by blame, but to know thoroughly one’s own virtues or powers are the characteristics of an excellent man.” Not to be cheered by praise and not to be grieved by blame is the mark of a soul who has gone beyond ego identification. Our ego defines who we are when we are not identifying with our true self. If we are praised, our ego gets bolstered, if we are blamed our ego plummets. We continuously move between the poles of praise and blame and are buffeted in the storms of our preferences.

I have learned that to go beyond praise and blame, witness consciousness is the ticket. If I feel happy when I am being praised, I accept the praise and witness how I am reacting. I acknowledge my happiness and yet I am aware that being praised does not change the innate joy that I feel. It does not add to it, it’s a pleasant momentary experience. When I am being blamed, although my first reaction is to defend myself, I work at accepting blame too. I find it is easier to let go of blame when I focus on breathing deeply and make space, separating my bruised ego from the witness. Then I witness that my innate joy is not diminished by blame but that my ego is taking a beating. I recognize that it is my ego that is hurting and not the truth that I am.

Getting to this understanding of the nature of praise and blame is real progress on the spiritual healing journey. We can stand firm in the ground of our own being, honoring ourselves, connecting to our own joy within and not be a pawn in the game of praise and blame.