Caught With A Closed Fist

In much of Personal Growth writings, we read about loving ourselves, and invariably we are given lists of things to do, to pamper and nurture ourselves. In my own practice of self-love, I have discovered that it is not so much the doing of things that achieve love, but rather in being and in letting go. In my previous post, I wrote about self-approval and this post takes up from that thread, for indeed, approval and love go hand in hand.

There is a Hindu tale that well illustrates the dilemma that many of us are in, when we seek love and happiness in the outer world. In India, there is a traditional, sure way of catching monkeys. A hole just big enough for a monkey’s open hand is made in a hollowed out half of a coconut shell. The shell is filled with food that the monkey likes and it is then pinned to the ground. The hunter comes along and then seizes the greedy monkey who would not let go of the food that lured him into the trap. Many of us are like the monkey, we are trapped in our pursuit of worldly success and its accoutrements and look for all kinds of ways to lessen the stress that comes with accumulating the things that we hope will bring us love. Like the monkey, we can attain our freedom, simply by letting go. Unlike the monkey who is not given much room to have any of the bounty, we do have lots of space to have what we need. We bite off more than we can chew. It is the religion of accumulation that keeps us trapped; the accumulation of material things and grievances.

Love is inherently within, and nothing we do on the outside makes it happen. Love arises from within, and we erroneously conclude that it is the result of what we do. Whatever we do that makes us feel love, will be finite. We have to keep doing that thing over and over in order to keep experiencing love. Eventually, depression sets in because we are still left feeling unfulfilled and exhausted, even though we are in the constant pursuit of doing. So instead of doing, if we focus on being, we awaken the heart to the generosity of love. This beingness is not accomplished by adding more to ourselves, but by a stripping away of everything that stands in the way of this love.

What do we have to strip away, to let go of, to experience love?  This stripping away means doing no harm. In the words of the Buddha, “You can search the whole universe and not find a single being more worthy of love than yourself. Since each and every person is so precious to themselves, let the self-respecting harm no other being.” I would drop the “other” from the quote so that it includes ourselves. For it is the sense of unworthiness that blocks our love, and when we leave ourselves out of the picture, doing no harm to others, but continue to be self-destructive, we are still missing out on the experience of love. The injunction to do no harm includes having loving-kindness for ourselves as well as all beings.

The experience of the awakened heart is a vulnerable, paradoxical state where we feel our hurt, our pain, anger, jealousy, and hatred, and yet continue to love anyway.  We all know how easy it is to hold on to a grudge and how reluctant we feel to let it go, thinking that we are creating a protective shell to shield our hurt and sadness. Instead, we become more fearful and alienated within and without. It is the willingness to let go of criticism, judgment, and anger towards self and others that will free us into the tenderness of love.

How do we practice letting go? For me, a simple way to do this, is a Buddhist practice in which we bring a  generous spirit to each moment and each encounter. We create a spaciousness by opening to whatever hardship is before us, breathing it in, and breathing out gentleness and compassion. With every breath, we breathe in the sorrow that touches us, allowing it to open and soften our hearts, and then breathe out healing loving-kindness. In this way we are practicing what the Buddha said, “Like a caring mother holding and guarding the life of her only child, so with a boundless heart of loving-kindness, hold yourself and all beings as your beloved children.”

At first, this practice is not easy to accomplish. It is important to remember that we are not intending to fix ourselves or the world, but meeting pain and suffering with a compassionate heart. We may find ourselves experiencing reluctance, overwhelm, irritation, fear, and frustration. With patience and practice in a spirit of kindness and genuine affection, we  will eventually open  up to the awakened heart of love. And like a shining jewel, the awakened heart reflects the light, and casts a beautiful glow on all it touches.

Related posts:

Letting Go

Living With Paradox