image credit: Carla216
This is the season that causes the greatest stress for many people and the most prominent source of this stress is their relationships with family members, and in particular the battleground of the estranged or disharmonious parent-child bond. Many people feel obligated to themselves to come to terms with their family dynamics during this season, and when faced with the challenge can become depressed with their inability to surmount their relationship difficulties or at best, to come to a place of acceptance of how things are.
I am in the midst of reading In Search Of Stones by M. Scott Peck MD the author of the widely read book, The Road Less Traveled. Peck was on vacation visiting sites of ancient stones in England, Wales and Scotland. He wrote about our discomfort with mystery, with not having answers, that we feel the need to find reasons as to why things exist, to the extent of fabricating solutions which are then passed on as truth. This is the human dilemma; the need to assuage our fear of the unknown and the need to fix things so that we feel comfortable and in control when in fact our very intentions prevent us from knowing; that the discovery of truth and the perfection of life’s ambiguities lies in not knowing. I empathize with his admission that as he grows older, he is less inclined to be as opinionated as in youth because so many of his illusions have been stripped away with age.
In this book Peck is extremely candid about his own foibles, being a famous man whom many place on an absurdly high pedestal and his difficult relationship with his children. He said, “It is also unclear to what extent the problem is due to us being terrible parents or maybe due to the possibility that we’ve been almost too good in some ways. And while we are striving for healing, it is furthermore still unclear how much healing is probable or even possible….Indeed, one of our questions is whether or not this closeness is excessive, thereby requiring our children to keep their distance from me.”
Peck observed that the learning at that stage of his relationship with his children was about separation and that he was not prepared for it even though as a psychiatrist he understood the child’s need to individuate, not just geographically but psychologically. He spoke of the common knowledge that disturbed parents can interfere with this separation process so as to retard it or even make it impossible. He mentioned that psychiatric literature tends to imply that this separation process is completed by the child and his parents by the end of adolescence when in fact the struggles continue on for many children throughout their twenties, thirties and into their forties, and for the parents they are well into their fifties, sixties and seventies. He went on to say that the professional literature does not talk about how painful it can be for all concerned.
So here we are once again, another holiday season upon us and all the skeletons are rattling in the closet. We attend the obligatory family functions, walking on eggs and making the best of our learned wisdom with our years of dealing with this issue. And yet, at the end of it all we continue to beat ourselves up for failure to be super parents or children. Peck’s words echo the pain of our trying to be good parents or children: “And sometimes, even though they’re our own children, it’s not so easy for us to like them when they’re so different from us, when they no longer want our concern, and when their desire for our liking is so much of a one-way street…Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes and no.” Peck continued, “I have not learned how to love neutrally…On an emotional level it feels heart-wrenching. It feels unfair that God should have called me to passionately love my children for thirty years and now, rather suddenly, should be calling me to a neutered kind of love. It feels like I must almost stop loving them….But I never bargained for the possibility that I might have to have stripped away from me even my accustomed kind of love for my own children. I cannot imagine any part of aging to be more painful than that. Nor can I yet imagine what it will feel like when such stripping is finished.”
Peck’s words are the sentiment of many parents to different degrees and yet here is the opportunity for great spiritual growth if we can but allow ourselves to accept that out of the dynamics of our parent-child relationships, as imperfect as they are, are perfect for what we need to learn in this stage of our lives. Like all of life’s paradoxes, our family relationships are not meant to be what we want them to be until we are done with them. They are the grist for the mill of our spiritual healing journey. Kahlil Gibran said. “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
To recognize that we as children or as parents are always doing the best that we can for who we are and the stage of our learning, is the one consolation for letting things be, not trying to fix or control the outcome of our dysfunctional family relationships. With this outlook we can forgive ourselves and each other for the shared pain and grief we inadvertently inflict upon each other. To love and respect ourselves and each other anyway, no matter how we judge ourselves and others is the greatest healing.
May this season of love and light bring continued growing opportunites. 
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I was reading Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet and those words are perfect.
Guruji said Love everyone but don’t make relationship with anyone. I know this is very difficult to implement in practical life, but I think this is the path one must choose to progress in spirituality. And it is very much true. Take care of your beloved ones but with dispassion.
Dear Miruh,
You are so wise my friend…. I remember reading Gibrans words like it was yesterdy “You are the bows from which you children as living arrows fly..” or something to that effect….
Sending you my love this Christmastime,
M
Could you email me your mailing address, I have something small for you
Hello Vinod,
The Prophet was one of the first books that deeply inspired me to contemplate the meaning of life. All wisdom for living well can be found there.
What you say is true; dispassion is difficult to practice but it is the means to spiritual freedom.
Thank you for your wise words my friend!
Peaceful cheers!
Hello Maithri,
Yes, you and I are wise and we are sharing our wisdom to bring light to other kindred souls. This is a good use of cyberspace!
Here is the rest of that verse, it is brilliant:
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Christmas Cheers of soft peace and warm love to you and your loved ones dear one!
Dear Miruh,
This touched me deeply. I have four daughters, each unique and original. I have learned, painfully at times, to simply love them. It is so much easier to give unconditional love…it accepts the entire package, all the talents and trials, all the ups and downs. It makes my heart sing to see them being exactly who they want to be, instead of who they think they should be for someone else. It took me close to forty years to figure this out, but I believe they have taken advantage of learning from their old mom’s wisdom.
Gibran’s work is some of my favorite writing. My beloved and I asked our daughters (his and mine) to read various writings at our wedding. Gibran’s thoughts on Love from the Prophet was one of those readings.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. May the blessings of this season of Light and Love be yours! Linda
Dear Linda,
Parenthood is a spiritual journey in itself isn’t it? Your words speak of great wisdom and spiritual growth through your love for your children. They are very fortunate to have you for their mother to learn from and to receive unconditional love. It is the greatest legacy that a parent can offer for generations to come.
Ah! Gibran’s words on love and marriage, my favorite:
“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
Marriage vows including Gibran’s sacred words on love are truly meaningful to two souls committing themselves to each other.
May deep, warm, graceful love cast its glow on you and your loved ones!
My mind keeps coming back to this post – now some 11 days old. This morning I found that it contemplated the text as if I were parent to my own child. . . . that is, that my love for myself needed to be as detached as the parents love for their children. I’m thinking especially of this:
“To recognize that we as children or as parents are always doing the best that we can for who we are and the stage of our learning, is the one consolation for letting things be, not trying to fix or control the outcome of our dysfunctional family relationships. With this outlook we can forgive ourselves and each other for the shared pain and grief we inadvertently inflict upon each other. To love and respect ourselves and each other anyway, no matter how we judge ourselves and others is the greatest healing.” It really speaks to the inner conflicts that come to mind these days for me about myself.
I always have a tough time “letting things be” since I am convinced that we can and do make huge changes that reduce suffering. Two come to mind this morning: the decline of tobacco and the acceptance of gay lifestyle. These changes have had a huge impact on both personal and social levels. Yet, I need a grounding in self acceptance that I am still working on. Thanks for the great post.
Hello Jude,
A warm, bright Happy Winter Solstice to you!
You have got it, parenting your inner child, “…my love for myself needed to be as detached as the parents love for their children.” Thanks for bringing up that important aspect! It is the most difficult challenge of all parent-child dynamics, the ability to be gentle with our own inner child. Love is sufficient, we just have to keep loving anyway.
I agree that we must work to make change where there is injustice and harm being done. I think it is important to speak to the positive changes that we want to see instead of blaming, demonizing etc. We can be loving in our activism and recognize that the fruit of our actions are not ours to decide. We can march for peace rather than march against war.
Letting things be in personal relationships as well as social concerns means to me, that we do what we can to address the changes with kindness and concern for others. With knowing that we are all doing the best we can, we honor each person and encourage the highest potential.
Much love and a rain of blessings to you and Jim during this holiday season!
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