Walking The Fine Line Of Ruthless Compassion

My friend rebukes my criticism, “One day you say I am heartless, another day you say I am strong; it’s all the same to me, it’s about walking the fine line of ruthless compassion.” It can appear as if we are being heartless at times when we have to act in ways that seem to deprive another, and we are in fact doing a favor rather than inflicting harm. I think my friend is heartless because he is very disciplined in not feeding his dog when he begs for food, not giving in to those longing brown eyes. By not feeding the dog every time he begs, he is helping him to stay healthy. I think my friend is strong because he acts spontaneously, doing what he wants, not trying to accommodate the idiosyncrasies of another. When my friend proudly proclaims, ” There is not a bone in my body that cares about what she thinks…,” he is really being very compassionate in not allowing this person to run away from reality. These are some minor examples of ruthless compassion. In the tradition of the master and student relationship, there are many stories in which this familiar theme occurs, of the seeming dichotomy of ruthlessness and compassion.  One of the most recounted stories in this vein is the story of Milarepa, a renowned master in Tibetan Buddhism.

Milarepa had committed many crimes in his life, he killed a lot of people and caused a lot of pain. He reached a point of deep remorse, and sought to turn his destiny around by seeking out a teacher who would initiate him into the true teachings, that would give him Deliverance in one lifetime. He was led to the great master, Marpa the translator. Marpa held out the goal of spiritual instruction and kept Milarepa busy at strenuous physical labors building various stone edifices. By nature Marpa was outwardly a rough and tyrannical teacher but inwardly he was all love and compassion. Marpa would instruct Milarepa to build a structure on a high ridge and just before it was complete, he would have him dismantle it stone by stone, and return all the rocks and boulders to where they were found, saying that he had changed his plans and wanted a new structure built elsewhere. This continued for many years, each edifice being more arduous to build and dismantle. Milarepa had full faith in his master and knew that he was slowly working away at his accumulated karmas. He was being tested in his faith, acquiring infinite patience and prolonged endurance. Each time he surrendered to the situation, each time he dropped his resentment, depression, anger and pride, he was becoming more awake and was gradually letting go of the burden of his previous deeds. His strenuous efforts made him hurt all over. His arms and legs were cracked and bruised, his back was one big sore. Marpa in his compassion, showed him how to care for his injuries, yet kept him working.  Meanwhile, Marpa taught the other students. Milarepa would try to join them but Marpa would drive him away with angry shouts and fierce beatings, causing him great mental distress. Many times he was driven to despair and wanted to run away or end his life, but Marpa’s wife, Damema, would comfort him and encouraged him, telling him that Marpa would soon disclose the secret teachings he wanted. Milarepa later became enlightened and ended up being one of the most highly acclaimed masters of his lineage.

This story teaches us to stay with difficulties that are brought before us. We can follow Milarepa’s example of endurance, of turning a bad situation into a goldmine of character building, of letting go, by staying the course when we want to run away from a challenging relationship with our boss, our loved ones or when we want to give up on ourselves when the going gets tough. The master within us is like Marpa, we are driven to stay open to what is. We are being compassionate to ourselves and others by not seeking something other than what is. For it is in being with the challenges before us, not trying to find a way out, or something better  that will ease our suffering. When we want to run away from what we judge as bad, we are constantly running and we never really get to experience life fully. We miss out on the beauty as well as the difficulties. The zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh said, “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.” When we can see that life is already sacred as it is, we can live fully, allowing life to burn away the dross of our fears, our anger, our unkindness, and transform them into ruthless compassion.  It is a ruthlessness that is the mark of the spiritual warrior, a surrendering to love no matter how we are being tested in the trials of life.

It is the day to day living where the alchemy of change happens. My friend’s mother had an obsession for etiquette, that tended to kill spontaneity and joy. By not giving in to her obsession,he was really being compassionate, by helping her move beyond her comfort zone, into greater aliveness. When he makes his dog wait for meal times he is making him into a more agreeable pet. The practice of compassion may not always seem kind. It is not always what it seems like on the outside. For Marpa and Milarepa, it was not about building and breaking down stone edifices, but the bond of love between master and student. It is because of love that we are vigilant in rooting out all that stands in the way of being fully awake.